What if everything you ever learned about pain and fear was wrong?
What if you create pain and fear by trying to avoid it?
What if you create fulfillment and happiness by struggling and overcoming hard things?
To explain this concept, let’s look at two men - Alex & Joe.
Alex stays up every night until 2 a.m. watching YouTube and playing video games. He wakes up sleep-deprived every morning - so he relies on caffeine to help get him through the workday. Every day on the way home from work - Alex stops to pick up some fast food for dinner. Once he gets home from work - Alex starts drinking as he watches TV or plays video games until 2 a.m. - and then he repeats this cycle all over again.
Alex never goes to the gym, meets new people, or challenges himself because he wants to live an "easy life." Alex loves the pleasure he gets from things like alcohol, fast food, social media, and video games - so he consumes these things all the time. As time progresses - he relies on these substances more and more to feel good.
Alex is stuck in this cycle where he feels depressed, unproductive, and unmotivated - even with all the things he consumes to make him "feel good."
Joe is the opposite of Alex. He wakes up at 6 a.m. to exercise every morning before work. He has a good nighttime routine and bedtime that allows him to wake up energized and ready to go. Joe cooks most of his own meals since it is healthier and cheaper than eating fast food. Once Joe gets home from work - he works on his side hustle and hobbies or spends time with his family and friends.
Joe consistently goes to the gym, meets new people, and challenges himself to get outside his comfort zone. Joe loves the pleasure he gets from things like completing a hard workout, taking an ice bath, and solving a problem he had at work.
As time progresses - Joe gets better and better in every aspect of his life. He feels strong, motivated, and healthy - which keeps him in this productive cycle.
Why does Alex - who consumes substances like alcohol, video games, and junk food that induce pleasure - feel worse than Joe?
Why does Joe - who prioritizes challenging activities like exercise, ice baths, and work - feel better than Alex?
This is because of the relationship pleasure and pain have in our brains.
Pleasure and pain activate the same brain areas and balance each other like a seesaw. ¹
Bad habits like eating junk food, playing video games, excessive social media, and watching porn release dopamine - which tips the seesaw towards pleasure.
However - the brain adjusts to the dopamine increase by lowering the seesaw slightly below the baseline on the pain side.
The pain and pleasure seesaw seeks equilibrium - so now your brain craves more pleasure to balance the pain. This is why so many people get stuck in their cycle of bad habits. ²
The pain and pleasure seesaw is an instinct that was crucial in helping our ancestors survive when resources were scarce.
The pain of an intense hunt or starvation was balanced with the pleasure of having something to eat or drink.
The issue is that in modern society - particularly within the U.S. and more developed countries - scarcity is no longer a concern for most people.
In fact - it’s the opposite.
We are constantly exposed to stimuli that trigger a dopamine release - things like video games, porn, highly-processed sugary foods, social media, and drugs.
The constant exposure and consumption of these things intensify our desire for more - leading to the ongoing battle to achieve equilibrium on the pain and pleasure seesaw.
This "pain and pleasure seesaw" can be summarized with the term - hedonic adaptation.
Hedonic adaptation is the notion that after experiencing a good or bad event and the associated feelings (pleasure or pain) - we return to a relatively stable level of happiness.
Ask yourself or someone you know - "what does happiness look like to you?" or "what do you want in life?"
Most of the time - people will mention at least one of "the 3 C's" - cash (making or having x amount), crib (house of a certain size or in a certain city), and car - since they provide hedonic happiness.
Hedonic happiness is about maximizing pleasure and minimizing pain. Hedonic happiness refers to the notion that "I will be happy when I have everything I want."
Anything that provides us with relaxation, enjoyment, pleasure, and fun produces hedonic happiness.
Sex, vacations, drugs, gambling, materialistic items - all these things supply hedonic happiness. These things make us feel good - but not for long due to hedonic adaptation.
Instead of asking "what does happiness look like to you?" or "what do you want in life?", ask yourself (or someone else) this question instead:
It is far more useful to know what pain we are willing to endure than to know what we want.
Everyone desires happiness, a great physique, fulfilling relationships, and a rewarding career - but many people aren't willing to endure the associated challenges.
Most people seek a happy, healthy, and wealthy life but don't want to endure the risks, sacrifices, and time needed to get there.
As shown by the pain and pleasure seesaw - these emotions rely on each other.
There can be no pleasure without pain
And there can be no pain without pleasure.
Happiness arises from effectively handling the negative - not from avoiding it.
We can't fully appreciate beautiful, warm, sunny days without experiencing ugly, cold, rainy days.
We can't fully appreciate love and meaningful relationships without experiencing heartache and loneliness.
We can't fully appreciate the rewards and feelings of achieving a goal without experiencing the challenges and struggles of the journey.
Choose Your Pain - Or It Will Choose You.
In Buddhism, there's a principle called "dukkha" - which views pain and suffering as an inherent and inescapable aspect of life.
I can choose to endure the physical pain of exercising - or the pain of health issues and feeling ashamed of my body will choose me.
I can choose to endure the stress and workload of getting my degree - or the pain of working at a fast-food restaurant, not having enough money, and working in a horrible environment will choose me.
I can choose to endure the pain of being vulnerable and facing rejection - or the pain of being alone and not having any meaningful connections will choose me.
There is no such thing as a "pain-free" life - especially for those who want to live an asymmetric life. ⁵
Benefits of Choosing Your Pain
Improved Decision-Making & Mental Clarity
Identifying what you are willing to struggle for will significantly enhance your decision-making and mental clarity.
If you are willing to endure the process and struggles to achieve a goal or outcome - you know you TRULY want it.
If you want the outcome but you don't want everything else that comes with it - you know you don't actually want it.
This mindset allows you to drastically reduce your number of commitments and focus all your energy on what's truly important (see Pareto's Principle for more on this).
Increased Happiness & Reduced Stress
When you "pick your pain" - you will feel more control and purpose in your life.
You know your actions have meaning since you chose to endure the pain in your life.
This process-oriented approach will help you achieve eudaimonic happiness.
Eudaimonic happiness is a deep and long-term happiness that comes from the pursuit of growth, authenticity, and purpose. Eudaimonic happiness comes from internal factors like how you feel about the things you do - which has the greatest impact on your happiness.
Additionally - when you overload the pain side of your pain vs. pleasure seesaw - you synthesize pleasure so your seesaw can be in equilibrium. A common example of this is when long-distance runners achieve "runner's high" - which is a brief, deeply relaxing state of euphoria.
Pursuing purposeful pain - like exercising, taking a risk to switch careers, and challenging yourself to be a better partner or friend - is the best way to create pleasure in a healthy and sustainable way.
So remember -
Pain and struggle are inevitable - so choose something worth struggling for.
FOOTNOTES
[1] Hu, E., & Nguyen, A. (2022, April 4). Too much pleasure can lead to addiction. how to break the cycle and find balance. NPR. https://www.npr.org/2022/03/31/1090009509/addiction-how-to-break-the-cycle-and-find-balance [2] Lembke, A. (2021). Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence. Dutton. [3] Mester, C. (n.d.). The Happiness Trend - A Healthy Pursuit or an Obsessive Quest? - Part 2. Wharton Health Care Management Alumni Association. https://www.whartonhealthcare.org/the_happiness_trend_a_healthy_pursuit_or_an_obsessive_quest_2 [4] Manson, M. (2023, February 8). The Most Important Question of Your Life. Mark Manson. https://markmanson.net/question [5] Weaver, G. (2023, August 30). How To Live An Asymmetric Life. Graham Weaver. https://www.grahamweaver.com/blog/2023-stanford-graduate-school-of-business-last-lecture [6] Vinney, C. (2020, February 14). What’s the difference between eudaimonic and hedonic happiness? ThoughtCo. https://www.thoughtco.com/eudaimonic-and-hedonic-happiness-4783750 [7] Seesaw Images Inspired By: Srinivasan, R. (2023, June 20). 4 Practical Lessons from ‘Dopamine Nation’ That will Make you Master Pleasure. Medium. https://medium.com/gain-indpiration/4-practical-lessons-from-dopamine-nation-that-will-make-you-master-pleasure-2d201e98139c
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