Table of Contents:
1a. Stage 1: Aspire
1b. Stage 2: Success
A wise man once said -
"Pride is not the opposite of shame, but its source. True humility is the only antidote to shame.”
This man was Uncle Iroh from the greatest television series ever - Avatar the Last Airbender.
Is Uncle Iroh right - is pride the source of shame? What are examples where pride is the source of one's destruction? What areas of your life are you being too prideful in?
We all know the feeling of shame. The immense pain of sadness, humiliation, or frustration when we have screwed up. We don't know how we could have messed up so badly - and now we feel stuck in this rut.
How do feelings of shame like sadness, humiliation, and frustration manifest themselves to begin with?
Shame usually stems from the failure to meet the expectations we place on ourselves.
We must be the perfect employee.
We must be the perfect partner.
We must have the perfect body.
Anything less than perfect - especially for those of us with Type-A personality - drives us crazy. We beat ourselves up over the smallest imperfections and mistakes. We are impatient and criticize others who don't hold themselves to a similar standard. We become so fixated on achieving a certain goal or output that we do so at the expense of others.
Unfortunately - being overly prideful and egotistical is often rewarded in today's society. We see this with athletes, politicians, entrepreneurs, musicians, and more.
Antonio Brown was arguably the best receiver in the National Football League from 2014 - 2018. A few years after being one of the best players in the entire NFL - he was out of the league. His success made him too arrogant and prideful - which caused him to start drama and think he was bigger than the teams he played on.
Donald Trump became incredibly successful through his real estate company - the Trump Organization. His success and background helped propel him to be the 45th U.S. president. Yet the power and success got to his head - which led him to be the third president in U.S. history to be impeached by the U.S. House of Representatives and the only president ever to be impeached twice.
Elon Musk became one of the richest people ever through his leadership in companies like PayPal, Tesla, SpaceX, and The Boring Company. His innovation and creativity helped him become a global icon and change the world in many areas. His decades of success have also brought decades of controversy - spanning from his personal life to his acquisition of Twitter.
Kanye West is one of the most influential artists in rap history. His songs and rhythm were unlike anything ever seen before and he inspired dozens of artists. Yet Kanye tends to appear in the news for his controversies as much as he appears for his successes. Interrupting Taylor Swift's award speech, drama with Kim, antisemitic comments - he constantly makes headlines for the wrong reasons.
Stages of Pride and The Ego
False pride and ego can look different at different stages of our lives. In Ryan Holiday's book, Ego is the Enemy, he discusses the three stages of the ego.
Stage 1: Aspire
Aspire occurs when we are on the journey up. Our ego tells us that we already know the answer, that we deserve more, and that success will be easy. The ego in this stage prevents us from continuing to refine the fundamentals and learn.
We believe we don't need to put in the extra hours to climb the ladder at our company or toward our goal.
We believe the entry-level job pays too little - even though we are fresh out of university with little work experience.
We focus on shortcuts to fast-track our way to the results - rather than focusing on the process and making incremental improvements.
“It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.” - Epictetus
Stage 2: Success
Success is a dangerous stage of the ego because you have evidence of your competence. When you attain success - it is extremely easy to (1) become complacent because you think you've "made it" or (2) overreach because you've overestimated your abilities.
When we become accustomed to something - we develop entitlement towards it.
Take all the people mentioned earlier.
Other people always put them on pedestals - so they believed they were better than those around them. As a result - they believed they could treat other people like garbage. They believed they wouldn't have to face consequences for their actions.
They became entitled to success - which was the beginning of their downfall.
Stage 3: Failure/Adversity
Being overly prideful and having an ego can cause failure to crush us. We will all encounter adversity and setbacks for as long as we live. If we are so prideful and egotistical to think nothing bad will ever happen to us - we add fuel to the fire of failure.
For example - say you got laid off from your job. There are plenty of ways to make money and with the skills you've acquired at your previous job - you can easily get another job. Thus - this is a small fire in your life that can easily be put out.
But let's say your pride and ego get in the way - and you think there is no way you could ever be laid off. Instead of leaving your job cordially - you start a scene. You accuse the company of playing favorites and you talk negatively about them.
Now - not only have you completely ruined any chance of ever working for that company again - but you've also drastically reduced your chances of getting another job because other employers will view you as unprofessional and unmanageable. You added gasoline to a small fire - and now it is a huge fire that affects many aspects of your life.
The same concept applies to relationships. Perhaps you and your partner are in different stages of life or one of you can't make the commitment anymore - so things aren't working out. If you and your partner split amicably - there's a possibility you two could reconnect in the future.
Yet if your pride gets in the way and you tell your partner "You're making a big mistake, there's no way you could ever find someone else like me, (insert more narcissistic stuff)," then your ex will likely never want to see you again.
Pride & Shame Cycle
Many of us are in a constant cycle of pride & shame - which looks like the following:
No one likes feeling like a loser or disappointment - so we work hard to achieve success and prove our worth. After some time - we begin to see the results. We become bigger and stronger after consistently hitting the gym. We get that promotion and raise at our job. We got the partner we wanted.
The success makes us feel amazing. We become very prideful and we keep striving for more. As we become more successful - the pride grows - and so does the entitlement. We think that because we've come this far - we deserve more. Our ego swells up like a balloon and causes us to overestimate our abilities.
When we overestimate our abilities and what we can do - failure is typically the result. We thought we were in better shape than we actually were. We thought we were more qualified for the job than we actually were. We thought we were a better partner than we actually were.
With failure often comes shame - feelings of sadness, humiliation, or frustration. We feel like a loser and disappointment - which propels us to work hard to feel better about ourselves - taking us back to the start of the cycle.
Success & Humility Cycle
As Uncle Iroh mentioned in the second half of the quote - humility is the only solution to shame. A core stoic concept is "humility kills pride" - as it helps break free from the emotional and unproductive cycle of pride & shame.
When we display humility - what does the new cycle of hard work and success look like?
When we display humility after success - we have increased confidence and self-awareness. With this more accurate interpretation of ourselves - we can be honest about what areas we are doing well in and what areas we still need to work on. As a result - we can continue learning and working hard - leading to continuous improvement.
Confidence vs. Pride
Some people argue that “You need to be overly prideful. If you don’t believe in yourself, then no one will.”
It is true that you must believe in yourself more than anyone else - but there is a huge difference between pride and confidence.
Oxford English Dictionary Definitions of Pride vs. Confidence:
Pride = “the quality of having an excessively high opinion of oneself or one's importance.”
Confidence = “a feeling of self-assurance arising from an appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities.”
Pride is pretentious. People who are prideful make themselves seem more important and significant than they are because they lack confidence. Pride is an attitude that says "I am smarter than you. I am more interesting than you. I am better than you."
Confidence stems from competence. Confidence is based on real experience and self-awareness. The more you practice something - the more skills you gain and the better you become - increasing your confidence.
If my boss asks me to complete a task in Excel that I have done many times before - I am confident because I have the experience to prove I can do it.
If my boss asks me if I can upgrade the entire company’s software - and I say yes without ever doing anything of this caliber - I am being prideful. I’m making myself seem more smart and important to the company than I actually am.
A confident answer would be something like “I’ve never completed a task like this before, so I’m not very confident in my abilities at this moment. However, I am willing to learn from people who have expertise in this area and do my best.”
It seems counter-intuitive - but it takes immense confidence to recognize and admit which abilities or areas of your life you’re falling short in. Confidence is the opposite of ego and being overly prideful.
Practicing Humility
Humility and limiting our pride is a skill that needs to be actively practiced and developed. As mentioned earlier - ego can be a problem at different stages - when you're aspiring, succeeding, and failing. Below are some steps you can take to become more humble.
Listen More, Talk Less
You can't learn anything new if you're moving your mouth. Constantly talking and trying to prove your worth inflates your ego and makes others want to spend less time with you.
Be Accountable for Failures & Shortcomings
Nobody likes a person who can "do no wrong" or never admits their mistakes. We are all human - we have (and will continue) to screw up. When you fail or make a mistake - admit it and take accountability. If you don't know something - admit it and ask for help. Being imperfect and accountable is always better than being "perfect" and unaccountable.
Imperfect & Accountable > Perfect & Unaccountable
Progress > Perfection
Going along with the previous point - we will never be perfect - nor should we strive to be. We should strive for progress - not perfection. Aiming for perfection brings stress and anxiety. Aiming for progress brings motivation and fulfillment.
Your greatest enemy is not anyone or any external thing - it is yourself and being overly prideful.
You built your character - which means you also hold the power to destroy the person you've built.
Practicing humility will help move you from the unproductive cycle of pride and shame towards the productive cycle of success and humility. This transition fosters increased self-awareness and genuine confidence - rather than false pride. As a result - you can learn faster & more efficiently, save yourself from feelings of shame, and improve your work & relationships.
Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it and got some useful information from it. My parents always told me that I would never learn anything from watching cartoons - but Uncle Iroh proved them wrong! Until next time - I need to go watch more Avatar now.
Much love,
Maximillian
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